Ground Rules

1: CONFIDENTIALITY

What is shared in our spaces, stays in our spaces. Phrases like “A friend told me…”, or “I once heard…”, are fine, as long as no identifying information is included. We take this very seriously.

With the exception of Closed Groups, nothing brought to one session should be mentioned in subsequent groups by anyone other than its original owner.

2: TAKE PART

Authentically take part in the group with words and in silence.

Better to say "Pass", for whatever reason, than to resort to banter, put up a smokescreen, perform, or use any other tactics to hide from what you might be feeling, thinking, or whatever might be triggered inside. We practice authentic presence and connection.

Note that if you are taking part online, we require that your video be turned on and working, and that you don’t multitask while you’re in the space.

Be present and stay connected with yourself and the others in online groups without reading, scrolling, fiddling or faffing. Switch off message 'alerts' and keep distractions at bay. If you’re connecting online, take part from a private, quiet, well-lit room so we can hear, see and connect with one another, with our clothes on.

Eating on camera is perfectly fine.

3: OWN WHAT YOU SAY

Use “I” statements, rather than “you”, “one” or “we”. What you say may not be true for anyone else. Depersonalising avoids ownership of feelings, experiences, opinions and issues, making change an uphill battle.

Saying “you” avoids the issue and keeps things impersonal. The word “we” seeks validation and acceptance of others. “My” puts your truth before your need to fit in.

By saying “I”, we are invited to share our personal experience and wisdom, and practice discerning what is true for us. Saying “I” also keeps away general statements, “heady” conversation, and guru parroting.

4: STAY IN THE PRESENT

Be clear about what is true right now vs. what was true of the past.

Words like “always” and “keeps on” limit present opportunities to past outcomes, whereas “sometimes” and “used to” make space for change.

We do not spiritually bypass and instead choose to hold space for material realities. That being said, words like “always” can figuratively cast a spell on ourselves, limiting us to only seeing our stuck patterns, instead of where we are learning to be free.

5: ASK BEFORE FIXING

Most people come to the groups to be heard, not to be “fixed” or instructed. If you feel like you have a solution to share, please ask: “Are you looking for solutions, or do you just need to be heard?” Staying in our emotions in a big group is a great way to have everyone feel connected and engaged, while going to fixing and troubleshooting can get people disconnected from their emotions, and into their head.

6: NAME WHAT’S TRIGGERED

One person’s story is another’s emotional reaction, so best name the issue triggered, talk it through and let it pass. Carrying it home and allowing it to get a hold of you feeds it and keeps it alive. We name it, without shaming or blaming it. Then we live beyond it.

This is a safe, inclusive space. Neither aggressive, nor passive-aggressive behaviour is an option here. No one’s safety will be compromised. We can learn how to better question, challenge and disagree when their buttons are pressed. Be aware of when you feel vulnerable and your defences come up.

Treat the circles as a space to practice non-violent communication when you feel too vulnerable or defensive.

7: DON'T DRAMATISE

When someone speaks, give them space with their story without commenting on how good, bad or ugly you think it is. Hijacking, or making a drama of another person’s story might limit them. Let them name it, have it witnessed, learn from it then let it go.

Likewise, when sharing, rather than indulge in the drama of how other people are, stay focused on how you’ve felt during the moment, and how you feel as you tell the story.

8: EXPERIMENT WITH WHO YOU ARE

Test-drive the more authentic you and take them out into the world, beyond old playground or professional personalities.

If you’ve survived life by clowning about, appearing aggressive or hiding away, this is a space where you can experiment with hidden parts of yourself and feel into what fits.

9: LIVE BEYOND THE RULES

Playing small to be ‘safe’ or ‘liked’ may keep you small and stuck. It’s okay to be told off, or to have to be reminded of the rules.

Exploring the edge of your comfort zone may bring challenges and help you grow. Live beyond your fears, fantasies and old restrictions to express a more authentic you in daily life.

As your facilitator, my main responsibilities are:

To keep us safe.
To remind us of the rules.
To respect everyone’s time.

This is not a therapy group, nor an encounter group, nor a place to pick up, or to sell. It's not a group for or against men or women, not a religious group, not a political group, not a group of anything apart from whatever the people present make it. Such boundaries are designed to keep our circle clean and free of expectation and ulterior motives.

Disclaimer: All activities are undertaken entirely at the participant's own risk. By taking part, each participant accepts full responsibility for their own safety and well-being. (If in doubt, please seek professional advice before participating). These groups are not a replacement for professional help, including help from your doctor, therapist, or counselor.

Adapted from MenSpeak CIC Ground Rules